


liquid sun

by MXXNTAEIL



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cross-Posted on Quotev, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, My First Work, Sad Ending, Sad in general, Self-Hatred, Self-degradation, idk how to tag, jaemin is sad, lmao i'll fix the tags later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 06:43:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16718314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MXXNTAEIL/pseuds/MXXNTAEIL
Summary: Shining your rays upon my skin, i feel the warmth of the embrace you brought me into. raindrops fall upon my hair, clothes, arms, shoes, and the pavement; but you still shine brightly above me. you hold me incredibly close though we are lifetimes apart. you tell me it's going to be alright as my tears blend with the rainwater dotting my skin. liquid sun draped around me in curtains of pure light and innocence; i can't help but smile. you always seem to brighten up even the darkest days.





	liquid sun

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally my first work, it's kinda bad but it got good praise on quotev so?? idk if i'm gonna post more about this storyline bc i've already figured out so much for it but who knows if it'll ever turn into more fics :/ oh well, i hope you enjoy it. it's very sad nd i was vvv tired when writing this, it's old and groldy and moldy n it's filled with dust and mood-droppers. anyway i should stop stalling, read it and i hope you like. thanks!

Drifting within the profound depths, secluded niches, and crevices, behind even the darkest corners; thoughts appeared endlessly, clouding his brain and condensing into tiny droplets of foreign delicacies. Surfing through the scary tides lapping hungrily at the shore of his imagination; the muddled sentence fragments and words and other letters blended. Together clustered as one. An abnormity it was, washed up on the beach it had been.

Jaemin's eyes wavered without a trace of life lurking behind the dark irises. His delicate hands trembled as a ripple occurred throughout his small body. The air conditioning had just cut on, and chilly air snaked around the revealed wrists and ankles. It nipped at his nose and ears. The eerie warmness smothering his lungs vanished in panic, the significantly wintry atmosphere engulfing him unexpectedly.

His throat tightened at the unwelcome thought, his hands stopping in their place. The navy blue tie situated between the angelic fingertips, the skin was calloused from playing the violin, but smooth nevertheless. Dark brown irises, similar to that of rich and earthy soil, trailed off to the other side of the room. They met with the distorted reflection in the shattered mirror. Few shards were missing in the picture as they were in the trash bin. As for the reason Jaemin's mirror was absolutely ruined: his father had thrown his son's phone at the decorative piece in sheer irritation.

Speaking of; Jaemin heard the faint call of his name echoing through the house. The gravelly voice didn't do well with the reverberating effect of the shout. It sounded deep, faint, and Jaemin could barely catch it as he got distracted once more. The boy was not even a bit close to even being ready to head down the stairs. Yet, he have not enough time to rethink his choices before the guests arrive.

Although, he couldn't help but stare at the broken reflection in the distorting mirror. Silver stripes were in irregular stripes along the pristine white fabric, the striking navy tie was slit in several places as blocks of color filled the rest of his form instead of where the tie should lay as one, the tufts of feathery brown hair refused to connect with its counterparts. A mess Jaemin was.

A disgrace, Jaemin thought.

His skin wasn't a pale peach as his brother's; Jaemin's was kissed and tended to by the sun, an even tan gracing his soft features in a light sheen of honey-brown. His eyes didn't glitter prettily like jasper-jewels unlike his sisters'; his were soil-brown, glossed over with rainwater from last night's shower. He was short unlike his brother. His smile wasn't endearing unlike his sister's; rather, it was filled with teeth that stood out against his tan skin. Everything was a mess.

Jaemin saw the soft flesh around his navel show itself through the two unbuttoned buttons of his dress shirt; he suspected it was just the extra fat he failed to shave off before this dinner his father planned. The boy's delicate hands gripped the navy blue cloth impossibly tighter as he trained his attention to the devil staring at him in the glass.

Unease brewed in the pit of stomach, growing heavier and heavier into a stone of regret. The dark abyss of his body swallowed up the growing emotions, feeding it to the voices whispering nothings to him. They tried to feed off the negative characters playing along in the facade of being a tad bit assured for his safety. 

Staying impossibly still for a few moments longer, Jaemin's breathing slowed as his throat seemed to tighten. Maybe it was because of the self-degradation process he usually took valuable time to do, and now the entities he attempted to ignore were catching up to him? Or was it because the feeling of dread was dragging down his bones, trickling into his bloodstream to keep the depression alive?

Jaemin couldn't wrap his head around the situation, and the edges of his vision grew gray and fuzzy. Splotches of black static were decorating his sight like a festive border. His vision tilted the slightest bit out of focus, the border growing dim and blurry; the canvas before him, painted with oily colors smeared together in order to conjure up the room he stood silently in.

Time slowed, possibly, he couldn't tell. The clock was nothing but a smudge of black and white against the beige walls. The constriction in his throat grew stronger, and it hurt to even breathe. The picture he stood in the middle of: the lone subject was ruined, a large hand scraped down the middle of drying paint. His earth swirled together and the shattered mirror shards molded together; the gold-painted frame melting.

He looked at himself in the clear view now; his limbs felt heavy yet he couldn't seem to move them. Jaemin glared at the reflection; his father told him it was not ideal to look such a way. His father always told he felt embarrassed in public with Jaemin; the sun always cast a hideous golden glow over him, it made his skin look dark and his hair seemed lathered with grease.

The constriction was tight; his lungs shuddered, shouting at Jaemin to take a deep breath of cold air. He disregarded the faint heartbeat in his chest stuttering slower and slower. His appearance was disgusting, revolting, and he questioned why his father would bring anyone over when his own son looked like such a beast?

A shell of a human being, his flesh was sickeningly warm, the presence he gave downed the mood of the room, fear lingered within his heart. It beat wildly as he thought over what to do next. A little rabbit, he was, caught in the jaws of the predator playing with him; he wasn't being eaten, no, the predator wanted a bit of entertainment before the main meal. His heart would thump against his rib cage, bumping against his lungs as it was too big for his body.

Though, the train of unusual thought ceased abruptly. A light feeling ravaged his head, whisking away all of the things he was thinking of, were to think about, and thought about. It crashed through Jaemin's mind with strong waves; flooding his imagination, the tides reached for the entities mumbling to the boy.

Jaemin was brought back to the present, tears hanging dangerously heavy on his lash line.

Indeed, the cracked mirror was still broken on the other side of the room; and his hands were gripping the tie on his neck tightly. Oh, that's what's wrong. The tie was slipped up into a tight knot around his neck as the teenager stared at his reflection. He hurriedly loosened the tie wrapped fairly snugly around his neck; the edges of the cloth clung to the soft flesh for dear life. Jaemin's lips felt swollen and appeared purple from all of the blood rushing to them, and it felt like they were going to burst at any moment. His knuckles went from a burning hot white to a pale peach grazed with red.

The realization of what he did horrified him.

Jaemin's fingertips trembled tremendously as he took an unstable step backward, almost tripping over the leg of his bed. He whipped around and fell to his knees, the caps greeting the hardwood with a harsh sound, and he rummaged under the bed for whatever it was he needed.

The bracelet on his wrist rattled against boxes, it got tangled in the fluff of a forgotten sweater, and clashed with plastic bins. After one particularly loud slam of plastic beads against something, Jaemin knew it was the the metal container he was searching for. The underside scraped the wooden floor, and the sound rang in the teenager's ears. 

Shakily, the boy slipped the container lid off; the stench of linen and sweet vanilla wafted into the air. Of course, Jaemin thought. A tattered picture with two stickers covering the people's faces sat on top, and Jaemin flicked it away. Underneath was a cut of black cloth, the edge of a design or logo on the corner of it. Cookie crumbs stuck to the edges of the container, and a few pet hairs clung to the ruined cotton patch. 

Finally, the boy picked up a leather journal with only two pages enclosed in the broken binding. Jaemin shoved the container away and crossed the room to the corner, taking a seat among the discarded clothes and carpet above wood. Jaemin couldn't conceal his tears any longer, the small shower dripping from the soil-brown irises gently and steadily.

And so, Jaemin read.

_Shining your rays upon my skin, I feel the warmth of the embrace you brought me into. Raindrops fall upon my hair, clothes, arms, shoes, and the pavement; but you still shine brightly above me. You hold me incredibly close though we are lifetimes apart. You tell me it's going to be alright as my tears blend with the rainwater dotting my skin. Liquid sun draped around me in curtains of pure light and innocence; I can't help but smile. You always seem to brighten up even the darkest days. ___

____

He held the notebook close to his chest.

____

He always read this when he thought about it.

____

About this. About himself. About him.

____

Jaemin always read Jeno's last note to him when he was thinking about it. Because he always decided it wasn't time to join the angel just yet. By accident or on purpose, Jaemin would always hold it to his chest. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way; he told himself that he should be in Jeno's place.

____

The boy with the smile that could light up entire cities.

____

The boy that could have the world at his feet.

____

The boy that was taken away too young.

____


End file.
